9 Early Warning Signs You’re About to Have a BPD Episode
9 Early Warning Signs You’re About to Have a BPD Episode
What it feels like and what to tell yourself instead...
Artwork by: GAIRAHPRASKOVIA
Before a BPD episode...
Before a BPD episode, there may be certain sensations that one can feel. Being aware of these feelings can make a HUGE difference in dealing with the actual episode so it’s best to keep them in mind. It’s different for each one but having a general idea isn’t so bad.
1. You feel like your emotions start to take control and overwhelm your body
Ever feel like you want to do something like finish your laundry but an overwhelming feeling of guilt takes over your body? This is what sometimes happens before having an episode. You may all of a sudden feel guilty but don’t know why so you ask yourself where the emotion came from.
You then remember that seemingly small incident where your partner did something big for you and you feel like you can’t seem to do anything to repay them. This leads you to feel like they could leave you if they really wanted and it triggers your fear of abandonment- something bippity boos struggle with.
2. You start to zone everything out
When you feel disconnected, you start to zone everything out. This has happened to me hundreds of times and I usually have no control over it and it may even come during important moments- like presentations, an intimate conversation, negotiations, etc.
This feeling is commonly called as dissociation. You may feel light-headed or something like an out of body experience, while feeling emotionally numb or detached from a certain situation. Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, memories, or sense of identity.
3. Your head feels like someone is squeezing it
I don’t think everyone feels this before an episode. But for me, it’s an easy physical sign to look out for. It’s when I don’t particularly feel tired but my head feels really tight. It’s different from a headache but sometimes it’s hard to make out the difference.
4. You are starting to view people negatively
From your favorite person to friends, to people in general, you instantly find it hard to trust people. You start seeing their negative sides and question whether they have really been good for the right intentions. Of course we don’t do this on purpose. It’s just our brains start splitting.
Splitting is common amongst people with BPD as it a common defense mechanism that is done subconsciously in an attempt to protect against intense negative feelings such as loneliness, abandonment, and isolation.
5. You feel fidgety or like you can’t stop twitching
This is because of anxiety, at least for me. Pretty much happens either because I want the intrusive thoughts to stop or I know I ought to be doing something to make myself feel better but can’t because of my intrusive thoughts. So this this one is really a hard.
6. You think nobody understands you
Not to be overly dramatic, but yes, it does feel like that most of the time. Even when your family or friends comfort you and say things like “I understand how you feel, I’ve been through the same experience”, it just doesn’t cut it.
This essentially makes you feel alone and makes you think that no one has and no one ever will be able to fully comprehend you as an ever-changing wonder of a human, that they don’t really see you for who you are, or who you think you are.
7. You start biting your nails or using your nails to dig into your skin
You unconsciously pick your skin or bite your nails. it simply eases your internal anxiety and it gives you something to do when you should be doing that “something” you’ve been putting off or basically couldn’t do because of your ongoing episode.
8. Your brain starts telling you nothing is real or that nothing matters
This black and white thinking is a very common tendency in people with BPD. In relationships, it translates as “oh they didn’t say I love you as much as I did, so they must not love me” to “OMG they opened the door for me, they’re so sweet, they must love me so much! (even when you barely know the person)”
This gets very tricky because we know very well that most things lie somewhere in between the gray area. But having BPD makes it intensely difficult to understand that concept. We can fall into this thinking especially when we feel any bit of conflict with our current idea of reality, at least this is true for me and my beliefs.
9. You start to feel unlovable
Let’s say I’m on a date with my boyfriend and we do all kinds of great stuff together. But maybe out of nowhere, a sudden feeling of unworthiness comes over me. I have actually been observing this tendency for months now and I usually catch myself saying “you must really like that (random) girl over there” or “I bet you’ll find someone better and new when I die” when I’m about to have a BPD episode.
When this happens, I feel like I’m ruining my own relationships (EVEN WHEN THEY’RE DOING AWESOME!) and still unable to do anything about it because the thoughts just come from every possible direction. What I found helpful though is gentle and effective communication goes a looong way.
What you can do instead...
As a BPD sufferer, there are many things I'd like to tell myself before an episode strikes. Here are the top 3
You will feel better soon. The cloud will lift and you'll be happy again, so just ride it out.
You're not doing anything wrong. It's your illness talking, not you. So don't beat yourself up about it!
It's not your fault that you're ill - nothing that is happening right now is your fault. No one is punishing you and no one is deliberately making you feel like this.
The way you shine in the midst of darkness is the very reason why you are a star!
You have made yourself into who you are today. Not the hurt. Not the pain. It’s you.
Whether or not you have BPD, it’s always important to treat yourself kindly whenever you don’t feel like yourself, whenever it feels like nothing is going to work out. It will work out for you, eventually. Have faith, boo.
And as the French say, “Il y a tellement plus” - there is so much more.
Had the idea to leave a little quote every week as an ending message but for now, I’ll leave it at that. Take care, my friend